Take It All Away
by Len Bon
Summary: Rachel knew that the day of exposing her past to New Directions would eventually come, but how ready can she really be? With this week's assignment having emphasis on pain, she knows she needs to reveal the time when she was at her darkest.
1. Rewritten Version

**Rating:** T - some mature themes, but pretty safe otherwise.

**Summary:** Rachel is nervous for the first performance in a long time, as she has to set her soul on the table for all the see, to fulfil the week's assignment of "Pain". However, as she shows New Directions her most intimate moments, does it produce a new understanding for both the glee club and Rachel? Canon to Season 1, AU Season 2

**Triggers:** Suicide attempts

**Ships:** strong Puckleberry friendship; hints of St Berry romantic; hints of Quick romantic; Pezberry friendship if you squint

**Song:** Take It All Away by Red

* * *

><p>Rachel moved towards the stage, not glancing over her shoulder as she walked up the stairs. She found herself taking deep, steady breaths, using a technique her old singing coach taught her when she was six and too nervous to sing properly at her first ever music recital. It was funny, because although she has been nervous before – just look at her first Regional's performance with New Directions where she was, as the saying is, "bricking it" - but not like this. It feels like she's been reverted back to when she dropped notes constantly and feared that everybody in the audience would tell her she was tone deaf.<p>

Still, she persevered on, reaching the middle of the stage and then turning to face all the people of new directions that were sitting in the stalls of the auditorium. They looked bored already, which wasn't surprising considering how long it took Rachel to get to her place on the middle of the stage, and this was combined with how reluctant they were to follow her to the auditorium in the first place – all the others had deemed it worthy to perform their pieces in the choir room, and consequently many were under the impression that Rachel was simply being a diva by insisting her piece would only work on the stage.

It had taken a lot of deliberation to find an appropriate number and memory for the assignment. Normally, she was so knowledgeable and aware of the best song to demonstrate what she was feeling and to fulfil the assignment that Shue gives, but this one took some thought. For this assignment, he'd told them to think of the most painful memory or the worst pain they knew, and to sing about it; she actually didn't want to complete it because to do so would dredge up a time that she just wanted to forget. If she was honest, it was one of the first times she hadn't felt comfortable performing because whilst she could normally take the criticism of her peers, if they were to mock her about this performance it would kill her.

However, she knew she had to really do it after watching Quinn's performance of Beauty from Pain by Superchick which she had dedicated to Beth. It was such a raw performance, and so beautiful, touching and moving that Rachel knew that she would be dishonouring the blonde if she were to forgo displaying her own pain. This thought was then strengthened with Noah singing I Feel So and even Santana's rendition of Field of Innocence. Everybody had been touched most by these performances, showing immense support to those who performed, reassuring them that their pain was not wasted nor was it permanent. Rachel needed that support and comforting from her friends, and so she decided that she could fulfil the assignment after all.

She took one deep breath as Brad began the introduction for the song on the piano.

"_You've stripped me down, the layers fall like rain.  
>Its over now, just innocence and instinct still remain. . .<em>"

The first lines were out of her mouth, perfect in pitch to the transposed piece of music because she was, after all, a soprano and had a range that matched. Still, as the projection on the plain wall behind her began, she let her eyes close, trying not to think about what was being shown and what her 'friends' reactions would be.

It had taken Rachel a while to find the song that fit her painful memory so well, but she had found it in the song Take It All Away. She then found that she didn't want to just sing it like the others, or just throw in some simple dance moves like certain peers had, but instead she wanted to immerse her audience in the pain she truly felt. It was for this reason that she had chosen to show them how she really felt and why she felt this way.

Rachel had had to hug Jacob Israel, but it was worth it for him to surrender the hours worth of footage he had of Rachel in school. She was of course initially freaked out at how much he had, though when she watched it (just the small things like her walking down the hallways at school or being in glee rehearsal) she realised how perfect it was. Soon, she compiled a video of the footage of her in everyday life, muting it and making it correlate to the song she was currently singing.

"_You watched me while I slowly disappeared -  
>I reached for you to save me, you were frozen in your fear. . ."<em>

The video playing on the wall behind her delved into her life, but barely skimmed the surface. It showed the billions of slushies she endured, video after video, each only lasting a moment, showed her being hit in the face by the an array of the coloured ice drink. She had had every colour as a facial at some point, and it wasn't really that surprising or shocking to see the likes of Noah throwing them at her face, pre-glee days. However, the slushie footage also showed the way that the gleeks stood in the background, or in some cases laughed.

In the last shot of her being slushied where she was hit by six slushies in one hit, and not one of the members of their beloved glee family that stood in the crowd watching flinched or moved towards her or tried to help. It was then cut to the image of Rachel, dripping from the six slushies crying in the bathroom. Her sobs were muted of course, but it was clear from the way video her had shaking shoulders, and her hands in front of her eyes.

"_Take it all away;_

_Take it all away;_

_Take it all away;_

_Take it all away. . ."_

The clip of her crying in the bathroom, trying to rinse slushie off as she stood alone faded into other footage of her crying, sobbing and letting herself break down. The Rachel in front of the projector, actually singing the song, dared to open her eyes for a second. She didn't look at her friends because she didn't want to know what she was thinking.; she couldn't finish the song depending on their reaction, and she had always said that the show must go on.

A few tears escaped her brown eyes as she remembered what was on the screen, and she felt the words of the song, remembering a time when she felt so sad, so lonely and so upset. She knew that she wasn't the same Rachel Berry that was being shown on the screen, but she still felt all the emotions she had the night that she was singing about. Similarly, she was aware that the school where all the footage had been taken was in fact a situation she still endured, because by no means had the slushie facials stopped – she still had to bring two spare outfits to school with her everyday, just in case.

Her hand moved to wipe the tears away, even though the professional side of her criticised if a true performer would 'forfeit' the true emotion that arose. However, she knew that if she allowed herself to cry and really throw herself so fully into the feelings she felt, a breakdown would be imminent, and then there would be no performance at all. Instead, Rachel opted to lower her tone, try to block out all the pain she still felt at the memories before closing her eyes once more, letting the song and the video do the talking.

"_Circling the pain inside my soul;  
>I reached inside your silence to steal what you won't show. . ."<em>

The video also moved on with the song, fading into footage that was personal to each member of the club, showing how the pain that each of them had also endured at some point within the halls of McKinley; their pain was her pain, she had once led herself to believe. Still, the footage of each one of them bearing the brunt of an emotional attack wasn't just to raise a point about how much it effected her, instead she hoped to enlighten each one. It started most definitely with Quinn, crying over something at some stage within her pregnancy, clearly distressed. However, the hurt Quinn didn't remain alone for long in the footage, as a younger Rachel moved into the frame of video, and, doing the unthinkable, sat with the sad blonde, clearly comforting her if the holding her hand and reassuring look indicated anything.

Knowing the point at which the footage should've successfully reached, Rachel reopened her eyes and dared a glance at the makeshift group in front of her. Her eyes searched the face of Quinn, and then Santana and then Mercedes and then Brittany and then Mike and then Finn (etc. etc.) as the video ran each of their distress and her comforting in order. She tried not to let the song catch in her throat when most seemed unmoved by the moving pictures on the wall behind her. Was this a mistake?

"_I tried to find the answers in my fears,  
>But what was found is lost again as soon as it appeared. . ."<em>

Once again, the footage behind her shifted back to the attention of the brunette currently pouring her heart into the song. She wandered the half-empty corridors alone, as well as the full corridors alone, following the trail of the other members of glee club, not being included in conversations of the likes of Tina, Artie, Kurt and Mercedes. It was clearly visible within the video Rachel that she was scared by the way her head was lowered, her books in one arm held high above her chest, and every time a jock walked past, her flinching. The way her eyes widened every time she passed two people in conversation and the way her head fell when she passed certain people made it instantly clear that she was getting upset and distressed by what she was hearing.

Then, the corridors blended into the library, where, despite the room being buzzing with people, Rachel appeared to sit alone on a two-seater table. If one looked carefully in the background, it would become apparent that nearly the whole glee club, minus their resident bad-ass, was also in the library with her. It shifted again to her being on a lunch table, entirely by herself, despite it being able to seat six whilst the table next to her, with seats still to spare, had four of the more outcast glee members, and the one behind that had Mike and Matt sitting there.

Rachel opened her eyes yet again, looking at just her teacher at this point, trying to gauge his reaction to the entire video. He appeared to have glassy eyes, but other than that, his expression was steely and regular. For the first time of the performance, Rachel wondered if any of them truly understood the extent of their exclusion in their club, least of all William Shuester.

"_Take it all away;  
>Take it all away;<br>Take it all away;  
>Take it all away. . .<em>"

As Rachel exited the chorus again, she closed her eyes once more, pushing away the constricting feeling in her throat, knowing that if she let it in, the performance would be stalled. Instead, she focussed on her breathing, and began mentally preparing herself for the bit of the footage she knew was about to play behind her, and her own dialogue that would accompany it.

"_I'm breaking; I can't do this on my own.  
>Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?"<em>

The video then shifted, away from the high school and McKinley and away from Glee, to which Rachel thought she actually heard a sigh of relief. Instead, the wall behind her showed a tired, distressed Rachel, from a few months prior to the one on stage, sitting on a bed, one that had featured in more than one Myspace video. Those who had been in her room before – Finn, Puck, Quinn and Kurt – all recognised it immediately whilst those other merely assumed it to be as such, seeing as it was the most likely scene, as well as the Broadway posters in the background and the pink sheets being a clear indicator. Video Rachel began to talk into the camera, just as the instrumental began.

"_My name is Rachel Berry, and I guess this is my last goodbye. People always said I had a flair for the dramatic, and I guess they will once again be proved correct about what they think about me, what is more dramatic than a teenage suicide. I guess that I should be ashamed that I'm becoming another statistic, much like Quinn did earlier this year. . . However, I think if nothing else from my life, I have finally realised that this is the last thing I should be ashamed about; when weighing up my personality, actions and thoughts against this one act, I feel as if this will be the one thing I'm doing correctly for once. I digress, however.  
>"I owe so many people an explanation, not least you, Dad and Daddy. I'm so sorry. So truly sorry! I know this will hurt you, maybe even half kill you, but you have to understand that this will be better than the disappointment that you'll eventually feel at having me as a daughter. Shelby was able to realise that I am worthless as a child and I know you will too eventually. . . I can't have you get rid of me like she did, even if it is what I deserve for being who I am, and so I feel as if I should get rid of myself for you. I will no longer be a burden to you, and there must be no guilt on your part. You are truly the best people I know, and I love you so much – so much I am willing to sacrifice myself to make you happy.<br>"I think perhaps further elaboration will be needed for you too, so naïve in your evaluation of my life and me as a person. I am hated. Have no doubt that you will be the only two who'll mourn my death because nobody else in my life will care. I am a dreadful person, so bossy and with a horrendous personality, and that is why nobody at school will befriend me. I have lied to you since the tender age of 7 about the number of friends that I truly hold in my heart, and although I felt bad about it, it had to be done to protect you because how would you feel knowing that I have never even sat with somebody at lunchtime, let alone been to another's house. Every Friday night that I spent at a Glee Club Members' house was a lie, I went to the library instead.  
>"They say that High School is the best years of one's life, in which case I know that not only is that inapplicable to me, but also reassures me that I have nothing else to live for. This is due to the constant bullying I endure at school. I guess I shouldn't really call it bullying because that implies that speaking the truth alone and punishing me as I deserve is uncalled for and mean. I urge you to understand that people at McKinley do not tolerate ugly, and as difficult as it was to comprehend at first I finally see that I am truly ugly – so ugly that I don't really deserve to be allowed to breathe. I thought that when I'd joined ND that they'd persuade me otherwise, and I'd finally not only have friends but people to tell me there was no truth to the bullying. However, that was not the case, it appears, and I was forced to reassess my situation and realise that I truly am useless because even the vast amount of talent you have gifted me with allows me to be likeable or even tolerable. My personality is so barring that no matter what the upbringing you raised me with, it is just my nature to yield poor results and be a bad example of your splendid parenting.<br>"I love you, unlike I've ever loved anybody else, and there have been many. That is why, I ask this one selfish act of you, burdening you one last time before I sleep quietly forever. Please relay a few messages to those I care most deeply about. . .  
>"Mr Shuester: I apologise for all the issues I caused you as a leader. I fully understand that I am far from a team player, and was so difficult, always thinking I knew best when I clearly did not. I believe that you are doing wonderful work for New Directions and I am sorry that you had the displeasure to teach me, it is my fault and no amount of good teaching would've been able to outcast my selfishness.<br>"Quinn: I'm sorry for attempting to tempt Finn away from you, though we both know that I am nowhere near as beautiful or worthy as you. Please be kind to Noah, we both know you are a much better person than you lead others to believe as a Cheerio.  
>"Santana: I should thank you. You made me realise with you honesty that I was living a lie in believing I could ever be beautiful or liked. Only you were willing to tell me, or even anybody the truth. You are truly beautiful. Look after Brittany, she needs you.<br>"Brittany: Look after Santana, and you are not stupid, don't let anybody tell you otherwise or change you.  
>"Mercedes: You are truly an amazing singer, and you deserve to have the solos that I was wrongfully hoarding away from you. You were right to tell me that I wasn't the best because you can certainly sing far better than I ever could. Good luck, and don't let anybody put you down.<br>"Kurt: The same goes as Mercedes. You are so good at singing and performing, and it was simply outrageous of me to not only compete against you (how could I think I'd win?) let alone steal those deserving solos from you. Forgive me? Also, stay strong because you are so brave; I wish I had an ounce of your courage. Please know that my father's would both be willing to help, if you so need it.  
>"Tina: You are similarly amazing, and destined for the same greatness as Mercedes and Kurt when in comes to singing. I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you when I have been abrasive and uncaring to your plight. Good luck on the stutter.<br>"Artie: I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding to your disability - we were in a similar boat considering my personality should be counted as a disability in itself. You'll succeed.  
>"Mike and Matt: Good luck, you are both wonderful people, and though we had little contact or conversation (not that I blame you, I'd try to avoid me too) I believe you are destined for greatness. Cherish your true friendship forever?<br>"Finn: I apologise for the delusion that I was under where I thought not only was I a suitable match but worthy of you. You have so much going for you, and although you said that you loved me before Regional's, I understand that the feelings are likely to have changed as you've truly thought about us and me, because I am of course still crazy and abrasive. Likewise, I am incapable of love at this point, so I think it is safer we end like this, you are better off. Good luck, you should really aim higher considering you are more than capable.  
>"Noah: I'm sorry that we weren't friends, because I know how amazing you are as a person, which was confirmed this year when you ceased your bullying on the undeserving (I realise that the slushies presented to me in the past by you were not completely guilt-free on your part, as shown when you apologised to me, but they should be considering I was only receiving what I deserved). Similarly, look after Quinn she needs you – you as Noah, rather than Puck.<br>"Shelby: I'm sorry that I was the outcome of your surrogacy because I'm not as talented as you, nor as pretty nor as likeable. I know when I found you that you'd be disappointed because I do not meet parr, and I apologise. I understand fully why you chose to cut ties with me. I think you are better off with having Noah and Quinn's child, Beth, as a daughter considering that, like her parents, she will be a splendid person and so much more than I could ever be.  
>"Jesse: I'm sorry. I do not blame you for what happened at all, considering it was my actions in the beginning that caused your retaliation. I understand how much I hurt you, and you were more than within your rights to hate me as much as you do. I'd also like to thank you, however, because although I understand how terrible I am as a person, and how boisterous and incompatible my personality is, you still stayed with me for many weeks, and you showed me a love that I do not deserve at all. I will always love you, even in death, and I know that you do not return those feelings, and I do not blame you for that considering the person in question is me, and I am not at all loveable. Good luck, not that you need it.<br>"Father's, this is where I say goodbye. I am truly sorry and feel remorse because I know that the initial actions I am about to take will hurt you, but please believe me when I reassure you that in the long-term, I will be saving you much heartache; at least this way you will not have to face the disappointment and failure of having me as a daughter. I love you so very much."_

Overlaying the video of Rachel's clear suicide message, she'd placed photos of her arms, taking at different stages. The first photo to appear was the same day, less than an hour after the original footage had been captured. . . it showed bloody wrists, a haphazard of deep gashes in all directions showing the true nature of the self-mutilation and its attempts to end Rachel Barbara Berry's own life. However, the pictures progressed, showing the two wrists in gauze when scabbing over until they eventually showed skin healing over the wounds, making them still visible and pretty scarring but with less of an angry red to them, making them more pleasant for all to look at.

Rachel looked at each member openly, searching their faces for something. When she saw slight hesitation and apprehension, she pushed her long sleeves up, revealing her wrists to them all. She knew that if they strained their eyes, they would see the clear scarring on her wrists, which even at a distance was pretty darn visible.

"_Take it all away;  
>Take it all away;<br>Take it all away;  
>Take it all away;<br>Take it all away!_"

Rachel ended the song, biting back tears once again, as silence fell amongst the auditorium when the last note was played on the piano by Brad. She waited for the bright lights to lower, before she descended down to the level of her peers, moving to stand in front of them whilst they stay seated. Her knees felt shaky as she stood, so openly, wrists still visible to the members of her most beloved club; she awaited their response to her performance, awaited their support and reassurance.

"That was a very well-thought-out performance, Rachel." Shue told her, moving out of his own seat in the second row of the misfits, and moving to stand in the aisle, staring at the flaw rather than at her. She waited for the next bit, his speech about how sorry he was, and how he wanted to make amends. However, as seconds to minutes and silence remained ever present whilst Shue showed little sign of moving to reassure and her teammates showed even less sign of moving from their seats, dread blocked her throat.

"Is that all you have to say?" Rachel choked out, staring at her teacher, the one she had placed as mentor in her life. Her eyes were tearing up, and she was silently pleading to him, in her mind, begging him to say something to make her feel better about the heart she had just so blatantly worn on her sleeve.

"Your singing was also very well done. Your voice could've been a little softer in parts but other than that. . ." Shue looked up at her for the first time, and he wasn't looking at her any differently than she thought he did usually. She was perplexed because couldn't he see that everything changed? He carried on looking at her, and she felt the panic in her to begin to rise. Dragging her face away from the man she thought was not only her teacher but also her friend, she turned to the people she considered almost family.

"What do you want us to say?" It was Mercedes voice that cut through the silence as Rachel looked over the bunch of misfits. Rachel's eyes drew out Mercedes immediately, moving her head to look at her fully. "We didn't know that you felt like that, you always act so damn proud. Also, it wasn't like we knew that you wanted to. . . you know. . . commit suicide. How could we have known?"

Just like that, tears not only pooled in her eyes, but they erupted, flowing quickly and heavily. God, she thought that after the reactions from these people, her supposed friends, towards other members would mean that she'd be given the same treatment. She had at least hoped that they'd apologise, tell her that she was needed and not useless.

"Rachel, stop. . . come on, shhh!" The words were uttered into her hair as a strong form took her into his arms, allowing her to bury her head into his neck as wet sobs heaved her body. Noah. "Do you want me to take you home? To your therapist? To Jesse?"

Suddenly, from the sound of it, to Rachel, the glee club came to life as confusion poured through in ripples. They were suddenly reacting, and it was not at all how she'd planned.

"What do you mean ' to Jesse'? Didn't he do enough to her last year. I'm pretty sure he caused all this!" The voice was undoubtedly Finn's, and was the first she heard before chaos broke out, causing her to hear just snippets.

"What are you doing Puck?"

"Did you know?"

"You're helping her?"

"What is going on?"

"Is Rachel still upset, because she normally smiles so large and. . ."

"**Stop!**" Puck was once again talking, she could feel his breath against the top of her head, but unlike before, the sound was not for her comfort but for the club's command. "How dare you? How dare you all? You are not helping anything, and quite frankly I feel sick. I'm so angry at all of you. When I sang my song, you were all supporting of my pain that I felt over losing both Beth and Quinn this summer, and I was so thankful. Despite this, right now, you really should be supporting Rachel and doing far more than you did for me – heck she is a lot more deserving.  
>"I know what happened to Rachel, when it happened, because unlike you, I actually give a crap about her, not only as our lead singer, but also as a friend. I was the only one to enquire about her at Artie's glee party, and then when I went to check on her a week later, sensing she may be lonely and need of a friend, I found out from her dads that she'd not only been suffering from depression for quite a while, but had actually tried to kill herself. I then tried to tell all of you, and you know what you all did, you disregarded all the information I gave you!<br>"Quinn, you ask what I'm doing now, I'm being a friend to her, like I have all summer. When I barely spoke to you over the 3 months, it wasn't because I didn't dig you, and I repeatedly told you that. I told you I had something more pressing to handle. I knew you were in grief, but you had nothing over Rachel. You look so upset right now, but you have no real right. I get it, you're hurting over Beth- don't you think I am too? - but so is Rachel, probably more so considering how callously we handed her over to Shelby. Did you glance a thought of my hot jew when we signed the papers? I sure as hell didn't, and for that I'm attempting to make amends.  
>"Finn, how dare you?! You are such an asshole, and I say this as your oldest friend. Get over yourself. You once said you loved Rachel, but as soon as she didn't say it back, and as soon as school broke out and there was no more glee, you just left her. I know you are not that smart, no offence, but even you aren't as retarded as to think that nothing about Jesse would've hurt her. Similarly, when you didn't contact her for the first two weeks, and then made out with Santana at that party, not even batting an eyelid over the picture of fb (that were not classy, and that is coming from me) you lost all claim to be jealous over anything in Rachel's life. Have you even apologised, jerk?<br>"Actually, you know what, I give up. You shouldn't apologise because you don't deserve to be forgiven. You are all as bad as one another here, and I for one want no part in it! Lets go, Rachel!" Puck finished his angry monologue to pull out of the embrace with Rachel, who had through the speech stopped sobbing, allowing her tears to be near dry and her body only just shaking. Rachel opened her eyes, watching the eyes of the Glee members, minus Matt and being replaced by Sam, looking at the way they stared at her in disbelief. Taking Noah's hand, fully prepared to go tell her therapist all about it, she moved towards the exit. Just as she reached the door, her dainty hand on the handle, a shuffling and then a voice caused her to turn to the little group of misfits.

"I'm sorry!" It came from the most unlikely source, Santana. "I know I don't deserve forgiveness, because Puck is right, we truly are horrible to you, me most of all. I've always been a bitch, and not least to you. I understand if you will never forgive me but I truly am sorry.

"At Sectional's you believed in me when nobody else would, taking my word for it without a thought that I might be lying. To be fair, you showed so much faith in me, and it meant so much to me. I never really repaid the favour, before or after. I've torn you down, time and time again, and I just assumed you knew I was lying, being petty and jealous. However, thinking about it, it is clear that just like at Sectional's, you believed every word I said and you had so much faith in what I had to say, and it was completely misplaced.  
>"I was a bitch. I know, and I've always known, but I was jealous. You are amazing, Rachel! You have so much talent, and even when we were just 12 in Middle School, you somehow outshone everybody, even those in High School. I always knew about your insecurities, heck I'd helped play a part in some of them, knowing that you were happy enough not having friends in Junior School that if I took them all it would be okay. I'm not saying it was right, in fact it was a petty act of a petty child. I just always figured that the jargon you spieled about being so sure of yourself was true, and I was so jealous and I lashed out.<br>"Don't forgive me because I don't deserve it, but do believe that I am sorry. I never wanted you to try to end your own life! I just always thought you were special enough, so talented that it would never matter, and that you could ignore me. I'm sorry!"

A lump caught in Rachel's throat, and giving a quick squeeze to Noah's rough hand before releasing it, Rachel began back towards the New Directions team. Noah looked questioningly at the movement, but he didn't ask, just watched as she reached Santana, the one person to truly apologise.

"I know you said not to, but I forgive you. I understand insecurity like nothing else, and I understand how self-doubt can manifest itself not only into a hideous form of a personality, one so strong it can overpower all else, but also how much it can truly influence our decisions and actions.  
>"Also, I was able to forgive other people who have wronged me, maybe not as often or as powerfully at times, but sometimes just as much and perhaps more devastatingly, so although it will be hard, and may take some time, I'm willing to work to forgive you also." Rachel told the Latina that stood in front of her, and as soon as she said the words, she could actually see and hear Santana's audible sigh and release of breath, clearly she'd been nervous and worried. Biting her lip, Rachel moved towards Santana a bit further until she used all the guts she had in her and pulled the other girl, the one willing to apologise for all her wrong-doings into a hug. As the Latina returned the hug, Rachel whispered in her ear the name of her therapist, reassuring Santana, the once stupidly vicious girl, that the doctor wouldn't hold a grudge and would help her reach a safer psychological mindset, allowing her to be in a happier place as a person.<p>

Pulling away, Rachel glanced at the others, looking stunned and like rabbits caught in headlights after what they had just witnessed. She stayed looking at them, searching each of their faces separately, for a few moments as once again silence ensued. Then, suddenly they all seemed to speak at once.

Apology after apology tumbled out of their mouths and Rachel stayed staring at them. Eventually, after what seemed like a few minutes of explaining themselves, each blocking out the explanation of another, Rachel brought up one of her hands.

"No. I am sorry, but they were not apologies. You are not sorry, merely saying you are, and as such I cannot offer you any condolences about such. I like myself again, and therefore, I cannot betray my own trust but accepting half truths. Some of you, I believe, may genuinely care about me as a person and about my attempted suicide last June, though many of you, I think are doing it for peace of mind and show. Santana meant every word of her statement, and that is why I forgave her. The word 'sorry' did not pass her lips lightly because she genuinely meant it, but with some of you, I cannot be so sure."

"What do you want us to do then? Give you all the solos to prove it?" Quinn spoke up, saying the thing Rachel was sure most were thinking.

"No. Keep them. I've decided that if you are sorry, and you mean it, then you will be sure to make it known to me at another date. Similarly, I think it only fair to tell you that at this point I will be taking both my fathers as well as Jesse and Noah's advice to hand and thus I will be transferring school as soon as possible. McKinley, and you people, are not a good environment for my recovery, which comes first to me, at this moment in time. Good luck in Sectional's, I may see you there."

With that, Rachel put on a show-stopping smile, though for once it was genuine, and placing her arm over Noah's, so that they were linked, she moved out through the doors.

* * *

><p>Okay, so I was still not 100% happy with that, but I feel it was much better than the first copy.<p>

I completely redid the ending, which is nicer, I think. I have to say, my original ending was truly awful, and I've decided that Rachel's righteous indignation towards New Directions deserve to be explored more as well as a reluctance to forgive their misdoings. However, I think I let my better judgement cave when it came to Santana, because I do reckon she'd feel awful if Rachel actually broke because of her. . . Also, I'm a sucker for Pezberry friendship :D

Similarly, I made massive hints to a St Berry reunion, based on the idea of reconciliation via Rachel's attempted suicide. I am a major shipper, of this ship, so that was my real excuse for throwing it in, but I really feel they did the whole St Berry relationship a complete injustice (why did they even bother bringing him back in Season 2? I accepted the love in Season 3 though – who can not ship them after Nationals?!). I have it in my head that Jesse St James was always sorry, and Rachel's dads showed Puck the video, and because Puckleberry friendship is so strong, and he because truly cares for Rachel, he told Jesse about Rachel's attempted suicide to try and get him to apologise. Of course, Jesse truly loves Rachel and is distraught when he hears about it from Puck, and like Puck, he believes that if Rachel were truly in love with him (like he her) then their reconciliation would indeed improve the process of recovery rather than hinder it, and they both want Rachel to get better. Rachel eventually deals with her issues, Jesse never leaving her side, and they get back together, kind of, stronger. Jesse totally defers his scholarship a year, to help not only work on Rachel but his own psychological state. So yeah, that was my idea, but if you thought of a different explanation that you prefer, you can keep that.

Also, although this could be interpreted as Puckleberry, and I don't really have an issue with that (I do love the pairing) but that was not my original intention. I like the two as a ship, but I generally prefer them as a friendship, because I think Puck is the only one actually honest and who actually like Rachel properly – well at least in Season 1. Their friendship is inspiring, because even though he doesn't fully admit it, he completely cares about Rachel, just look at his admission in Season 2 Sectional's. . . Anywho, I think it is open to interpretation so, however you like it. . .

I think that is all I have. Obviously, as stated before, this is before Season 2 really takes off, and is actually AU to Season 2; pretty canon Season 1. I just wanted it to be back before they completely killed Rachel as a character (though I may have just done that), and completely crushed my St Berry dreams (I am not a big Finchel fan at all!).

Happy Glee-ing? :)


	2. Original Version

Show: Glee

Characters: Rachel Berry (& the glee club, though indirectly)

Themes: Suicide / Bullying

Summary: Rachel knew that the day of exposing her past to New Directions would eventually come, but how ready can she really be? With this week's assignment having emphasis on pain, she knows she needs to reveal the time when she was at her darkest.

* * *

><p>Rachel breathed in hard as she walked onto the stage of the Auditorium, getting ready to sing this weeks assignment.<p>

When Shue had first told them that they'd been focussing on pain, she felt somewhat relieved, knowing she had always been able to pull that off on stage, in her singing. However, he had then moved on to say that he wanted a story told; he wanted to know what caused their darkest pain. At first she thought it would still be pretty simple – she'd been hurt a lot of the time and still wouldn't scratch the surface with this assignment – but then she'd seen Quinn's performance of Beauty from Pain, dedicated to Beth, and knew what pain she would have to portray via her song, even if she hadn't wanted to expose herself as much as that.

She placed her feet in the middle of the stage and took a deep breathe. The music started to play and so did the video on the wall behind her.

"_You've stripped me down, the layers fall like rain.  
>Its over now, just innocence and instinct still remain...<em>"

As she sang she closed her eyes, trying not to look at the faces of those she considered 'friends' who were watching her performance and perhaps seeing her in a new light. The video behind her was showing the life of Rachel Berry at the place they all called school. Tears ran freely down Rachel's cheeks despite her closed eyes.

"_Circling the pain inside my soul.  
>I reached inside your silence to steal what you wont show...<em>"

She'd been able to get Finn to help her with the project, as he filmed her walking through the halls. She had also been able to persuade Jacob Israel to part with a few of his precious movies that he'd shot of her and the rest of the school. It meant that the video behind her saw the way she was truly treated – a way that was so similar yet so different to the others. There was countless bits of footage of her being slushied; laughed at; shoved; mocked; hurt.

"_I'm breaking; I cant do this on my own.  
>Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?<em>"

Glee club had been, not surprised, but still enlightened by the footage they were seeing. They knew that Rachel had had a hard time, sometimes due to some of the people in the room – especially when they realised how much of the footage they featured in. However, they weren't expecting the part where Karofsky pushed Rachel into a locker and moved so close to them. They certainly wasn't expecting to see Tina and Kurt look at the two of them and not do anything to help the young girl, whenever it had happened.

Suddenly, the footage changed, with the instrumental. The camera was no longer in the hallowed halls of Mckinley, but somewhere that they all recognised from countless videos that had been posted on YouTube.

Rachel moved into the frame and sat on her bed, looking directly at the camera.

"_I'm Rachel Berry, I am 16 and I'm from Lima, Ohio. If you're watching this, it means I'm dead.  
>I've written suicide notes, but I don't feel like it is enough – story of my life considering nothing is ever good enough. Maybe that is why I'm doing this, ending it so that I won't ever succeed. Maybe that is why I made the decision?<br>People always tell me that high school is the best time of life, that the days don't get any better. If that is true, then I know I am making the right decision because my life will not be worth living – it already isn't.  
>I'm bullied and hated and laughed at and mocked. Nobody at school likes me. I would tell the teachers but they treat me nearly as bad as the students; not Figgins, not Shuester, not even Miss Pilsbury. I would tell my fathers but they aren't ever hear, and when they are it just feels inappropriate.<br>I guess what I'm trying to say is... Goodbye. I'm sorry, but this is the only way I think I'll be able to live._"

Rachel started to sing again. The video note she'd made two years ago disappeared and in its place were pictures. When she'd been saved from actually dying, the hospital and her therapist and her fathers all took pictures of the fresh scars – these were being viewed by the Glee Club. Then they were followed by pictures of her scars now, healed enough that a little bit of make up was able to hide them completely.

"_Take it all away..._"

She looked at all her fellow members of New Directions. Kurt looked like he wanted to throw up whilst Santana had disappeared completely.

"Rachel, we didn't... we didn't know!" Mercedes was able to stammer for the club, but she knew it wasn't enough.

"Its okay. I've already forgiven each and every one of you. It wasn't your fault because although some of you may have directly told me to commit suicide, I know now that you really didn't know me. We weren't friends, but now we are, and I know that you care. I didn't then; but I'm better now." Rachel told them, trying to smile.

* * *

><p>Okay, so the ending isn't right at all, but meh. Just a vague one ,really, because I do love Rachel, and having watched the first few episodes again, I do feel that she was a walking Suicide Cry.<p>

Of course, I own absolutely nothing, unfortunately. Well that isn't true – I own the laptop I wrote this with and the actually story – but not the song* or show of Glee or the characters that consequently go with it.

*Take It All Away – Red (go have a listen, for they are amazing!)


End file.
